Welcome to the WhereParentsTalk.com Blog!

By Shawn Porto

WhereParentsTalk.com presents a weekly guest blog from a first-time dad-to-be, sharing the journey from expectant father to new parent.

I’ve had a difficult time sleeping since that fateful day when my wife came out of our washroom holding a positive pregnancy test.  As I’ve been informed, sleep is something that will become a valuable currency traded between my spouse and I once the baby arrives.

To give you some background on myself, my name is Shawn and I am a 30 year old, rookie father-to-be, anxiously anticipating the birth of my first child.  My wife and I are high school sweethearts and we’ve endured and grown many years together; when most young adults are going it alone.  Looking back, I recall attending my wife’s “sweet sixteen” party in 1998, as her boyfriend at the time.  Little did I know that over the next twelve years I was going to embark on a shared journey, enduring the long-distance hurdle through university, the challenge of a pinpointing a career choice, the planning and execution of a wedding, the purchasing of our first home followed by the crash course in:  “You’re pregnant with your first child, now what? -101”. 

As a rookie father-to-be, I’m no different than any man that has been in my position before; I have my  worries about what type of parent I’ll be and what the world will hold for my child.  The only fact that I am certain of is that the day my child is born, I will have done everything in my power to prepare myself through every resource available, and I will still feel overwhelmed by the experience.

In deciding to offer insight, I want to share my take on the many unique events that transpire throughout the 40-week journey to childbirth and I look forward to doing so weekly over the remainder of the pregnancy and beyond.

My wife and I are presently at the 26 week mark with both of us excited to meet our baby, whom we’ve chosen not to know the sex of.  With this in mind, I was staring at my laptop screen at the end of a workday, thinking about how I would create an original blog that is true to the anxious feelings we’re experiencing right now.  My wife always finds my analogies amusing, so I found the best one I could think of that was not a sports analogy (my favorites); but a Puzzle.

To me, awaiting my child has been comparable to being given a single puzzle-piece each day, to a puzzle that has no image to reference. Some pieces are more revealing than others, but you try to be patient over the 280 day period before you have all the pieces (40 weeks) to complete your masterpiece.

Sure, you can find out if your puzzle is pink or blue.  You might pay the extra money to get a sneak peak in 3 or 4 dimensions, or you might be feeling as though your puzzle will never form the vision you have for it.  Whatever the emotion you have towards your puzzle today will funnel into pride when the final piece is in place and the completed puzzle is one that will be yours to appreciate and yes, lose sleep over, for the rest of your life.

By: Lianne Castelino www.whereparentstalk.com

When you sit back and reflect, it really is amazing.  IT is truly incredible how much we do for our children, these days.

There are of course the staples:  shuttling to and from school, activities, playdates, field trips, camp, sports events and the like.  That infamous "drop-off and pick-up" equates to more than a full-time job in some families.  Then there's the incessant monitoring of all of the previously-mentioned activities - maintaing positive relationships with all teachers, coaches, and persons of authority to ensure a productive, responsible citizen is being moulded.

Oh yes, how could I forget -there's the time spent researching, analyzing and registering them for those activities, the overseeing of homework, the monitoring of social media and electronics.  The list makes me tired.

I often wonder if the "parenting strategy" of today is designed to yield responsible, accountable, independent children.  How can it when we are constantly surveying the situation.

Isn't parenting about teaching and guiding?  Downright intervention on a consistent basis seems so invasive and counter-productive. 

I've often done little experiments on my children to test out the theory.  It's simple.  Do a task with them.  Then have them do the same task themselves.  As long as a parent/adult figure is present, the child really doesn't need to lift a finger or work a brain cell.  They, usually, automatically default to have the adult make the decisions.  It is an extremely telling test if you try it.

As parents, and with the help of the media, we have (for the most part) decided our kids cannot play by themselves in the backyard or on the street because there may be strange people lurking in the bushes.  As one author put it - those types of situations haven't increased, but the reporting of them and the awareness of them have.

If much of what we choose to engage in as parents is predicated on or the result of fear or guilt, a great disservice is being done to our children.

I look back on my childhood and realize that my parents made different decisions in a different time and ended up raising two fiercely independent children.  In that time, it wasn't customary to survey your child on a consistent basis.  But we did plenty of things together.  The rest of the time we spent figuring things out for ourselves.  That built problem-solving skills, responsibility and accountability among other values.

For example, I don't ever recall my parents monitoring homework.  It was assigned, we were responsible for doing it.  End of story.  I also don't remember them organizing a daily activity during summer holidays.  We had access to a swimming pool and tennis court and friends in the neighbourhood.  It was up to us to navigate the rest.

I wonder how this generation of kids will turn out?  Will they be forward-thinking, responsible leaders of tomorrow?  Or adults who are unsure of themselves, with tattered self-esteem because someone else has always been making decisions for them.

Most of all I wonder if our kids appreciate what we do for them.

by Lianne Castelino  www.whereparentstalk.com

In a rare moment of mindless channel surfing, late last night, on a quest to fill a news fix, I stumbled on an interview.  For the first few seconds, I watched the lady at the centre of the interview talk with no sound on.  A twenty-something cherub-faced woman with a sweet disposition.  I un-muted the tv.  What a story she told.

Nicole Champagne is the 29-year-old mother of an incredible little boy named Maddox Flynn.  Maddox is  from Alberta  ---  active, energetic, full of life ---- typical 2-year-old.   Always smiling, when he has every reason not to.

Maddox was born with a rare facial deformity called cystic hygroma, leaving his left cheek and mouth enlarged.  The condition has left him unable to learn to speak.

The Flynn family was in New York for a second surgery to repair the swelling.

To listen to his mother, you would have thought it was just any other minor conditon.  She calmly spoke of taking him everywhere - to the park, to the store and treating him very normally....but.  Increasingly thought the little boy was becoming aware of people staring at him in the park and elsewhere.  Other children and adults alike seemingly frightened by his half-swollen face. 

Being a typical mom, Champagne's maternal instincts kicked in.  She and her husband are most concerned about their sons' vibrant spirit being crushed.  His self-esteem and charismatic nature taking a beating.  They don't want anything to hurt his heart.

To listen to this story and look at the video of the boy and his family offers food for thought and inspiration for every parent.  

Admiration for the courage of the family and the doctor who is described as performing a miracle on this child.  Respect for Maddox' parents' and how they've handled  the challenge they've been given as parents.  Inspiration for the outpouring of generosity from Canada, the U.S and Europe from complete strangers who have collectively raised $250,000 for the delicate operation.

Parents of children who are suffering in some form or another are special people.  Their strength in the face of adversity is heroic.  Their unyielding desire to lift their child from pain is palpable.  There are exceptions of course, but stories like that of Maddox Flynn offer a perspective on parenting leaves a mark on every parent.  How could it not?

Read the entire article:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/prairies/alberta-boy-with-r...

http://www.torontosun.com/news/canada/2010/07/19/14760926.html

by Lianne Castelino  www.whereparentstalk.com

There have been 10 drowning deaths in the province of Ontario in the last week.  A variety of ages, the majority, children - all preventable.  This sad statistic has unleashed a torrent of reaction - calls to make life jackets mandatory in boats, calls to make lifeguards a fixture in all hotel and condo swimming pools.  The list is long.  The backlash loud.

I've always thought that drowning must be the worst way to die.  Why?  Because you can't save yourself, you know you are going and are unable to stop it.

Many people, believe swimming is a basic life skill.  I couldn't agree more.  Children should be taught how to swim from a very young age and encouraged to maintain and improve their swimming skills as they get older.  Any fear of water can likely be overcome if addressed when a child is young. 

However, for a variety of reasons - personal beliefs, socio-economic, cultural background, accessibility - swimming is not a universal skill.  What a waste, especially if it could be the difference between life and death.

What should be made mandatory is swimming lessons.  It may sound ridiculous, but think about it.  Providing access to this life-saving skill will pay dividends.  It will automatically dissuade any fears that parents may have about having their kids learn to swim.  

Most of the time, the central issue is exposure.  Lack of exposure or limited opportunity to engage in an activity dictates whether or not an individual pursues it.

Governments spend all kinds of money on laws, security, barriers, user and other fees - to address drowning prevention.  But how about truly proactive preventive methods like - mandatory, subsidized swimming lessons at a certain age by a certified instructor, followed by ongoing free access to swimming pools and instruction on an ongoing basis.  Surely, addressing the symptom of the problem rather than the after-effects makes more sense.

The idea is not to produce Olympic-calibre swimmers here.  (However, if that happens, then wonderful!)  And yes, it is possible for a trained swimmer to drown (for a variety of reasons). But why not try to proactively address the grim statistics of hundreds, even thousands of lives being cut short each year by something that is entirely preventable --- which most drowning deaths are.

A must read: a chilling article on the reality of drowning.

By Lianne Castelino www.whereparentstalk.com

The stage of parenting that involves frequent and healthy debates is a fun phase.  You know the one.  Debates on everything from taking a bath to putting away laundry to having a new adventure.   What?  Yes, you read right.  Credit the 13-year-old and 10-year-old with this feat!

My two boys (ages aforementioned) were scheduled to spend the afternoon taking in a play at a theatre yesterday with a group of like-age children from our parish.  So as any insane mother would do, I raced home during lunch to pick them up and drop them off.  When I walked in the door both boys were lying down, faking every ailment in an attempt not to go.  When I asked, "are you trying to get out of going?" the 10-year-old replied, "how did you figure that out?"  

My 6-year-old daughter who was not scheduled to go and who does not mince her words said, "Mommy they really don't want to go to the theatre."

Why? "We're tired from swimming all morning, it's too hot out, my leg hurts, I want to watch the World Cup semi-final, can't you call them and tell them we don't feel well."  The excuses were both plain and plentiful!

Then I said, "what if you go and have the greatest time ever?"   Pin drop silence.  Off we went.

I dropped them off, begrudgingly, and left with both boys looking shell-shocked that all their excuses were in vain.  Here they were.

Four and a half hour later I arrived as scheduled to pick them up.  Their tanned and sweaty faces beamed.  "How was it guys?" The reply came with 9 parts glee and 1 part sheepishness.  "Mommy we had an awesome time.  Thank you for organizing it for us."

Score one for the parent!

On the drive home, they were little chatterboxes, detailing their adventure, the play, the people they went with whom they mostly knew by face and not name.

No need to say "I told you so guys."  They knew.  Some kind of life lesson learned.  But most importantly they had fun and learned to keep an open mind about the unknown.  Taking a leap of faith doesn't have to hurt all the time. 

Lesson for the parent?  Debating can be exhausting, especially seemingly mundane topics.  It's easy to give up (and we've done that plenty).  But more often than not maintaining your stamina for specific debatable issues leads to great outcomes.  No need to debate that!

By Lianne Castelino www.whereparentstalk.com

A friend of mine is eagerly anticipating the birth of his first baby later this year.  In chatting with him yesterday, I realized what a refreshing story his really is. He described how his wife is struggling with morning sickness.  And while she copes with getting through every minute, he is busy.

Sure there's a room to get ready and gear to purchase, but as they cross the 5-month pregnancy mark,  he is busy with something that is all-too-rare these days.  Research and preparation.

He is reading, listening, watching all things parenting.  Rare, because it is generally the mom-to-be who usually does pregnancy and infant care reading. Refreshing because as a dad-to-be he has figured out that embracing a little bit of research about life with a newborn now, will go a long way later, when that little miracle arrives.

It continues to be astounding just how many expectact couples spend very little time understanding what welcoming a new bundle into the world really means. Sure they get it second-hand, through the always-comforting descriptions like:  "sleep-deprivation, mac truck hits, it's difficult to describe" and so on, but what does that really mean?  Many people still believe, that childbirth unleashes a fount of wisdom in the female (and even male) brain.  That both parents will suddenly be flooded with knowledge on how to feed, burp, bathe, soothe and put an infant to sleep.  If only it were that simple. 

They are definitely miracles.  But they are also mysterious.   Where do we start?  There are the physical particularities of newborn babies (too many to mention here), the fact that they cannot differentiate between night and day (having spent 9 months or more in one set of surroundings), they usually have different cries for different needs - how does one decipher the newborn "code"?  What is colic and how do we cope with it?  Those are some of the more obvious ones.  

Then there's the fact that they often lose most of all of their hair, the fact that their eye colour usually changes, that they need to wet and soil diapers at a brisk pace to confirm they are both feeding and that their little internal organs are developing normally.  The list goes on and on and on and on.   

My friend also mentioned that his research has included preparing the family dog for a new family member.  Ultra-important preparation process there to prevent any nasty surprises when the baby comes.  Who knows how the dog will react?  Who knows how the baby will react?  

Then there's the emotional and physical trauma of giving birth, of going from a couple to a family, of juggling sleep-deprivation with every other emotion out there.

And what in the world happens if mom or dad aren't entirely overjoyed with the miracle of birth, if they are indifferent, sad or frustrated by the experience, if either show symptoms or suffer from post-partum depression?

I commend my friend for recognizing that knowledge is power as a parent-to-be.  That preparation is powerful as an expectant parent.

Goodness knows most new parents don't have time to read the morning headlines once their long-awaited addition arrives.  It's only natural.

Related Links:

Part 1: Understanding Post Partum Depression

Watch video:  Newborn Care Basics

by Andrea Howick             www.whereparentstalk.com

Is that what parenting really boils down to? Repeating yourself over and over until the message sinks in? From potty training to table manners to being a decent human being, every lesson we teach our kids seems to need uber-repetition before they actually learn it.

A former business reporter turned stay-at-home dad recently wrote a column for his former paper with his daily refrain. Check it out here.

He says he prefers to think of it as consitency, rather than nagging. I like that. Staying on message for 18 years times however many kids you have.

But oh, the reward when they learn a lesson! Have you ever seen the look on a mother's face when the person she's talking with realizes her 2 1/2 year old is potty trained? "Yes, we just took off the diapers one weekend and did it!" Is it more of a reflection of the parent's ability than the child's?

Not long ago, we had a small Sunday night supper to celebrate one of the grandmothers' birthdays. When my 6-year-old got his piece of cake, he immediately slid it over to his grandma, saying "It's your birthday, you have the first piece." !!!!

What's in your message? We'd love to hear from you. 

by Andrea Howick               www.whereparentstalk.com

Ever get the feeling there are babies everywhere? Women all seem pregnant. Strollers choke the entrance to every Starbucks location. A mini-baby boom seems to be taking place in our midst.

This perception is, apparently, dead wrong.

According to US think tank The Pew Research Center, nearly one-in-five American women ends her childbearing years without
having a child, compared with one-in-ten in the 1970s. Childlessness has risen for all racial and ethnic groups and
most education levels. Only women
with advanced degrees have seen an increase in child-bearing.

Why, do you suppose then, the mis-perception of reality. I have a theory. It is the loud voice of that new breed, the "Mommy Blogger" (of which, course, I am one) Consider this: a 2009 study by BlogHer, iVillage and Compass Partners,  found that 23 million women read, write or comment on blogs weekly. Many of them, moms.

We parents in this generation have become so incredibly self-absorbed. Fascinated by the very minutia of every breath our ankle-biters take. We no longer have to book playdates and comb our hair to see other moms and compare notes on our little darlings. The virtual kaffeekatsch is online, and mom blogs are even being consulted by marketing firms and product manufacturers, so strong has their voice become.

Yet all the while, our numbers in real terms aren't really growing. We are simply drowning out the other reality living alongside us. Neither of course is better, just different. One just seems to have a louder voice.

Childless families, though, have somehow managed to become more
accepted, more "mainstream" despite all this. It seems according to the
Pew Center, that the public is more likely to view childless families
as happy families than we were 40 years ago.

by Lianne Castelino   www.whereparentstalk.com

So it's here, the first official day of summer vacation for your child.  Where in the world did that school year go exactly?  First-day jitters ---- poof ---- last day goodbyes.  It moves like wildfire.  Everything does these days.

Yesterday, I read an article that absolutely moved me.  It made me stop, think, reflect.  It slowed me down.

It was the story of 29-year-old Meghan Baker, who was married, then shortly thereafter diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer.  After her diagnosis she wrote a list of close to 30 things she wanted to accomplish in her life.  They ranged from "holding a PHD" to "mastering sewing, knitting and crocheting".

She blogged throughout her cancer treatment for brast cancer.  Her blog was published on a website that was followed by several hundred readers.  When she died in April 2010 - her husband made a pledge. 

He vowed to take on the goals his wife didn't have time to realize.

What a powerful story. What a powerful legacy.  What a powerful act of love.

The total time between Meghan and Adam (her husband) meeting, marrying, her diagnosis and her death -  2 1/2 short years.  The blink of an eye.

What does this have to do with summer vacation?

It got me thinking that setting goals is such an important thing to do and teach children.  We set goals for different things - losing weight, saving money, making major purchases - but how about LIVING life to the fullest.

That is such a rich lesson to teach children, and summer is a great time to start.

Usually, summer means slowing down - family outings, family road trips, more entertaining, seeing friends and extended family.

It is also the ideal time to teach kids the important lesson of setting goals that don't necessarily have to be about doing well in school or doing chores.

A short list of 5 things they'd like to accomplish over the summer months, is all you need to start.  Tack it up on the fridge so they can see it everyday.  The visual keeps it present and alive and evolving.  The process of trying to achieve that goal and then finally realizing it is something kids can relate to and appreciate.

It is a lesson with so many powerful messages for both child and parent.

To read the entire article about Meghan Baker:

http://www.thestar.com/living/article/829909

By Lianne Castelino www.whereparentstalk.com

This weekend’s protesting, police presence, hooliganism, 600+ arrests, black mark on a city, traffic disruptions and more as a result of the Summits (G20 and G8) in Toronto is cause for concern and reflection.

Why are we continually surprised as a society by acts of violence? Why do these criminal acts end up on the front page of the newspaper? And what seeds are we sowing as a society that cultivates this kind of behaviour?

There is a vociferous but often overlooked group of individuals that will tell you exposure to violence from childhood, whether ongoing or frequent, will likely produce teens or adults who either don’t see anything wrong with this behaviour who those who ultimately carry out these criminal acts.

Let’s take a look at cartoon, movies, and video games that are rated “acceptable for children” or General audiences. I must admit that in my house 99% of those deemed General are not allowed for a host of valid reasons.

I don’t need my kids playing video games that advocate shooting and killing. It doesn’t matter who else has them and how popular they are. These types of games just should not be produced.

Likewise, we have never allowed toy guns or any shooting-type implements in our house for play purposes. What is the point?  Someone tell me what they learn from them, please?

I’ve never understood parents who allow it.

Call me militant. I’m happy with that label if it means my kids are less-focused on trying to physically beat each other up or annihilate the enemy (in a video game) or elsewhere.

Most cartoons these days also promote mature subject matter or some kind of violence.

Coming from another generation, I understand that Looney Tunes was based in part on “violent acts” – but somehow it was funny, not so intense and the message was ultimately innocent, good fun.

These day the images are more real, the message delivered with anger and frustration. The end result - a growing sector of young people in our society that use this type behaviour as a tool to get their message heard.

Respect, compromise, rationale discussion seem to part of a dying breed.

It’s too bad that some parents don’t or won’t take the time to monitor what types of toys are being bought, what shows their kids are watching or what kind of video games are being played because it will cost in the long run, in some way shape or form.

It’s really too bad because there were a ton of peaceful protesters in the mix during the G20 and G8 Summits in Toronto.
I would have really liked to hear what they had to say.