by Lianne Castelino www.whereparentstalk.com

We should all be deeply disturbed.  Whether we are parents or not, young kids or teens --- this is a collective failure and we all have a role in addressing it.

The recent rash of bullying stories, an increasing number of which have ended in the worst possible outcome, is both sad and cause for serious reflection.

The focus on the bully and victim are definitely merited.  The role of technology (social media, mobile apparatus', etc.) also have a key role.  But how about the parents?  What role does parenting play in this scenario?

Seems to me I don't hear much about that. 

The decision of a bully to exert power, influence, coercion, peer pressure --- whatever on someone else is a conscious choice?  This is a basic knowing right vs. wrong issue.  It's also, in my opinion, a learned behaviour.  Kids, by and large, don't naturally know how to behave in this way.

How much of this can be traced back to permissive parenting, I wonder.  You know the kind where the kids seems to call the shots, and the parents are standing on the sidelines mostly being told what to do.

There seems to be a fear of discipline among many of today's parents.  Discipline that calls for firm, fair, follow-through.  Of course it's not easy.  It's one I struggle with on a regular basis.  Does the punishment fit the misdeed, it is too harsh, too soft, unfair?

Having rules and following-through on those rules have an incredibly important role to play in overall discipline and the behaviour in our children.  It should teach self-control, the understanding of limits, accountability for one's actions, responsibility for a given outcome and the understanding of right from wrong.  However, when the follow-through falls short, so too does the learning of all these critical lessons.

Parents who swoop in and save their kids time and again from a negative situation are doing more harm than good.  That pattern of behaviour will more than likely lead to kids who feel a sense of entitlement, who don't understand what it means to take their bumps and lumps and who ultimately end up wielding power over their parents.

A few parents I've spoken to, whose kids have been bullied, have repeated a familiar theme --- the parents of the bully 1-had no idea, 2-remain in denial about their kids' behaviour.

The apple truly doesn't fall far from the tree.  Kids learn what they see, they tend to model behaviour they are witness to.   Over-protective parents may not realize that their controlling behaviour is akin to bullying.

It all starts at home.

by Stephen Gosewich, Dad blogger

I used to think that homework was a rite of passage that every child had to go through.

When I was a kid it was assigned and it had to get completed or there would be some pretty serious hell to pay!

But never did I look at homework as being something that would benefit my ability to learn or better comprehend something. To me, homework was a necessary evil. I could not do anything fun until homework was completed. I couldn't go outside after school and play or after dinner on a beautiful spring evening to hang out with my buddies on the block.

Projects were even worse because not only did I have to create a written masterpiece but I also had to create a visual presentation that would have to knock my teacher's socks off (something more than just a bunch of magazine cut-outs glued to a piece of bristol board).

Fast-forward a million years later and here I am...a parent of two young children and now I have to act like the enforcer and make sure that my own kids complete their homework before anything else. Not only do they have to complete it on time...but they must understand what they are doing.

Now that we are well into the new school year and things have returned to normal, I have had the lovely opportunity and pleasure to sit down with my younger daughter as she struggles through her homework - complete with tears and tons of frustration.

As she starts off Grade 5 with a thud, I am seeing the quantity of homework increasing with each passing day.
School Board rules prohibit the amount of work to be sent home. Yet, I seem to be spending several hours with my daughter as she struggles with each question and I equally struggle helping her find each answer.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and I can say with total confidence that my two daughter's lack of math-smarts come directly from me (although I am told by my wife that she struggled with math in school too...makes me feel so much better).

I really don't get the point of homework....never have. I don't think that homework measures a child's ability
to comprehend something because more times than not, a child just really wants to get through the homework because they know on the other side of that homework lies playing with friends, going on the computer and watching TV.  Their motivation isn't to learn...its to complete.

What would really happen to our children if teachers did not assign any homework? What if all the material covered in class was reviewed in class and that the only work that was brought home was for purposes of preparing for a quiz or a test (or these days, a "quest")? What if the only work that kids had to complete at home were for special projects, essays or other presentations? Would our kid's marks or overall comprehension falter in any way?

While I don't own a crystal ball, I can tell you that our children would be less stressed and would have more time
to be kids and pursue other kinds of extra-curricular activities that are often sacrificed because of school work. Our teacher told us that he likes to give daily homework assignments that should take about 45-60 minutes to complete. On top of that, he assigns a larger chunk of homework on Fridays to be returned the following week. He claims that this should add another 3-4 hours of homework weekly. By my calculations (remember, I am a fantastic mathematician) that would mean that in order for my daughter to complete all of her homework on a weekly basis, she should be spending 60-90 minutes per day, EVERY day...including weekends. I wonder if he works on Friday or Saturday nights or does he like to kick-back after a long work week with a "cold one" or a nice glass of red wine on a Friday night? Not that I am encouraging alcoholic
consumption by a 10 year old...but I think children also need some time to decompress after a long week.

Educators are also forgetting about the family. In most modern families, both parents (assuming there are two), are
working. So, from the moment the bell rings at the end of the school day to the moment our children lay their heads down to go to sleep, the intensity around most households is feverish. Parents are in a rush to get home, most times coming into the house feeling a bit grumpy because of the days events or a nasty rush-hour drive home. Then, the mad-dash to meal prep..juggling dinner preparation and making lunches for the next day with assistance to the kids on subjects or topics that they have not considered in 30 years (to say I am rusty on this stuff is an understatement). If we expect our kids to focus on their school work, how can they really expect us to give them our undivided attention when we are running around the house like a chicken with its head cut off?

I don't really know if I have the "balls" to actually confront my daughter's teacher, principal and
Superintendent to tell them that we, as a family are boycotting homework. But it would be kind of "anti-establishment"...don't you think?

But, who needs the detention?

by Lianne Castelino  www.whereparentstalk.com

Pure survival are often words used by parents when describing a particular decision made at a given time involving their kids.

It's not always pretty, it just happens to be at that specific time and in that place.  And "it" may never happen again.

That ranges from taking kids to creative spots when they've gotta go!  Or getting an underage, yet older sibling to take care of younger brothers or sisters, in a pinch.  Or in the case of one mom --- lightning her load --- literally.

During a candid conversation with several parents recently, a single mom of four revealed that when one of her kids was in his teens, 14 or so, that she taught him how to do laundry. Everyone looked at her in utter shock?

A 14-year-old doing laundry?  She must have been speaking in another language.  She went on to explain that juggling a job, 4 kids, a household and life, she had to divide and conquer chores and duties.  Pure survival for her meant teaching her teenage son how to wash the family's clothes.

Why is that such a foreign concept?  It's not like doing laundry takes superhuman skill and intellect.  Was it his age or the fact that he was a boy that left everyone so bemused. Is it not a life skill that he will need to know one day?

Funnily enough the laundry lesson came up in another conversation with several parents this week.  This time a mom of two girls mentioned that she taught her kids how to do their laundry around 12 or 13 years of age.

Brilliant, simply brilliant!  Kudos to those parents for resisting the urge to do things that kids can do for themselves.  Sorting, soap, a couple of buttons and they're off.  No biggie.

The biggie is what they are learning through the laundry task.  That there is a process to cleaning clothes -- one that involves time, organization, effort.  That dirtying clothes have a consequence at one point that must be dealt with.  That if they are down to their last underwear, there is hope.  A solution is not too far off.

If teaching laundry skills 101 is too big a leap, then baby steps make sense.  Sorting, folding and delivering clothes to their rightful owners are tasks kids as young as 2 or 3 can participate in without too much supervision.

Who knows, it may just be what the doctor ordered to nip the 'clothes all over the room and on the floor' crisis that many of us parents face.  And in tandem, it makes sense for parents who insist on doing everything themselves, denying kids the opportunity to think, act and take care of themselves.

Here's to laundry life lessons!