Teenagers are often described as moody, dramatic or rebellious. But for some families, the emotional storms of adolescence can feel far more serious—and far more frightening.
“I describe myself as a teen on fire,” Katie K. May told Lianne Castelino during an interview for Where Parents Talk.
“I was a teenager who was quick to experience strong emotions, and the emotions that I had were so big that it was hard for me to manage them,” says May, a licensed professional counsellor, nationally recognized teen therapist and founder of Creative Healing Teen Support Centers in Philadelphia.
For more than a decade, she has helped teens struggling with anxiety, depression and self-destructive behaviours—and the parents trying desperately to help them. Long before she was guiding families through these crises, May was living through one herself.
Raised by a single father who was suddenly thrust into parenting, May says the emotional support she needed simply wasn’t there.
“A big part of the experience that was missing for me as a teenager was validation,” recalls the other of one. “Nobody was saying, ‘Hey, this is hard for you,’ or ‘It makes sense that you’d be really sad not having a mom in your life as a teenage girl.’”
Those intense emotions eventually led her to self-destructive behaviours, including self-harm. Looking back, she says the emotional environment around her played a critical role in how those struggles unfolded.
Today, validation is at the heart of her work with families.
Why Validation Matters More Than Parents Realize
In May’s experience, one of the biggest issues she sees among struggling families is something many parents don’t even realize they’re doing.
“I want to say 90 percent,” she says, referring to how often teens arrive in therapy feeling emotionally invalidated.
Many parents instinctively jump into problem-solving mode. They offer advice, suggest coping strategies or try to reassure their child that things aren’t as bad as they seem. But those responses can unintentionally dismiss the very feelings teens are trying to express.
“We can’t move toward change until we’re able to say to a person, ‘I see you. I understand why you feel this way. It makes sense that these emotions are coming up for you,’” May explains.
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything a teen says. It simply means acknowledging the emotional experience behind it. In practice, it can be as simple as listening carefully, reflecting what you heard and naming the feeling you see.
A parent might say, for example: “I hear you saying homework right after school feels really hard because you’re burned out. I can see how frustrating that must feel.”
The Teens Who Feel Everything More Deeply
Some adolescents, May explains, are biologically wired to experience emotions more intensely than others.
She compares it to natural talents. “Some kids are born naturally good at sports, some are born naturally good at art,” she says. “And some are born naturally good at emotions.”
These teens often react more strongly and take longer to calm down. When those emotions are repeatedly dismissed or criticized, they may begin to believe their feelings are wrong—or too much for others to handle.
“If a child gets the message that their emotions are too big, too much or wrong,” May explains, “that’s when you start to see lashing out, self-harm, running away—some of the bigger behaviors that are really intended to regulate emotions.”
Parenting Through the Fire
May’s book, You’re on Fire, uses the metaphor of emotional fire to help parents understand what their teens may be experiencing.
“When someone has big emotions, it can feel like they’re on fire,” she explains. “And when parents say, ‘Go look at your coping skills,’ that can feel like using a little squirt gun on a big fire.”
Before offering solutions, parents need to first recognize the intensity of the emotional experience. But that can be difficult when emotions are running high on both sides.
One common scenario May sees in her practice involves a teenager asking for space during an argument.
“A teenager will say, ‘I just need a break. I need to go to my room,’” she explains. “And the parent will follow after them saying, ‘Don’t walk away from me—we need to solve this right now.’”
The conflict quickly escalates.
But if both sides had the opportunity to step away and calm down, the outcome might be very different. “If the parent could tolerate not solving the problem right away,” May says, “the situation may not have escalated.”
Parents Go First
May is quick to stress that parents are not the problem. “We’re all doing the best we can with the skills that we have,” she says.
Still, she believes parents play a crucial role in shifting family patterns. “As parents, we go first,” she says. “We need to learn the skills first.”
Often, that begins with learning to recognize emotional reactions before they spiral out of control. May admits she had to learn this lesson herself. “I’m a recovered yeller,” she says.
She learned to notice the physical signs of anger before it erupted. “I would feel this boiling sensation in my chest like a volcano about to erupt,” she recalls. “The next time I noticed that volcano, I said, ‘I’m about to blow up—I need to leave the room.’”
Change, she emphasizes, happens gradually. “It’s not a zero-to-100 process,” she says. “Maybe the next time you do it 10 percent differently.”
The Power of “Good Enough” Parenting
For parents who feel like they’re constantly getting it wrong, May offers an important reminder: perfection isn’t required. She often refers to the concept of the “good enough parent.”
“Parents only need to get it right about 20 percent of the time,” she explains. “The other 80 percent is about how they manage and make repairs.” That means apologizing, reconnecting and trying again. Self-compassion matters. “We can be so kind to ourselves even if we only get it right 20 percent of the time,” she says.
Rebuilding Connection, One Step at a Time
For families where communication has already broken down, May encourages starting small. She describes what she calls a “hierarchy of connection.” The first step may simply be sharing space peacefully—sitting in the same room while doing separate activities.
The next step is side-by-side interaction, like driving together or watching a movie. Only later comes deeper conversation.
“You might spend a year just in the same space as your teen before it moves to the next level,” she says.
A Long-Term Goal for Parents
Through her work with families, May has seen relationships completely transform—even when parents initially feared the worst.
She recalls teens who arrived in therapy with relationships “in the trash,” only to rebuild trust and eventually head off to college with healthier family connections. 
For parents struggling through difficult teen years, she offers a message of persistence. “It’s important to keep trying,” she says.
“The work you’re doing now isn’t just about getting your teen to college.” It’s about something much bigger. “You’re paving the way for a relationship where they come back after college—and they want a relationship with you.”
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